I recently dipped a hesitant toe into the pool of online dating. While scary enough on its own, I was also mildly concerned by the parade of horror stories, bad dates, and just plain weird things I had heard about from friends and veteran dating app users looking for love in the digital age. Heedless of their advice, and with a level of ignorance that was almost courageous, I dove in anyway. 

I should have known better.

Putting up a profile was surprisingly difficult. You get roughly six pictures and about three canned prompts, and from such meager beginnings love is born. Or so says the almighty algorithm, but more on that in a bit. The first and most pressing question is – what pictures do I use? For me, this was especially difficult. I don’t have a lot of pictures of me doing stuff. Primarily because I’m out, you know, doing stuff. And since I’m neither famous nor an influencer, I’m not usually taking pictures of me doing the stuff I’m doing. But I quickly learned from friends and other veterans of the digital love wars that there were “right” pictures and “wrong” pictures. I also learned that all the pictures I did have were the “wrong” pictures. “Right” pictures included doing healthy things like jogging, biking, hiking, mountaineering, and most especially, boating. “Wrong” pictures included gym selfies or for that matter, pictures in a gym of any kind, sitting somewhere not cool, and pictures of me and my cat. I should point out, though. Cat pictures are fine. Cat pictures with me in them? Not a chance. 

I also learned that you can’t ever just be doing nothing in a picture, like sitting or eating or talking with friends. You have to be doing those things in a cool, sophisticated way or ideally, in another country. But with a bit of remedial help, and a lot of stubbornness, I settled on some pictures. Well ok, no. My friends settled on my pictures and I went along with it. And then I moved on to the canned prompts…

I could write a whole blog series about the sheer level of pathology clearly on display with these things, but essentially they all boiled down to three categories: a) Here are reasons why you should date me; b) Here are reasons why I would date you; and c) Things I hate. I learned, somewhat predictably, that there seemed to be a sharp increase in (c) the longer one spent time on the apps. 

However, it was my last and final decision that produced the most interesting results: do I, or do I not, say that I’m in law school? I tried it both ways, but I started out by keeping back that bit of information, and then I just let the algorithm do its thing. After a bit of time, I added it in and once again let the algorithm march me towards my curated and pre-selected partner. Both the algorithm and the people I’ve met have unique and unusual perspectives on the law and lawyers – even future lawyers like me. I’ll spare you much of this, but I do want to focus on what this small change meant in terms of the professions of those whom it thought I should date. Here, the results were quite…interesting.

As you might imagine, there were certain commonalities across both choices. People apparently love any or all of the following: the smell of clean sheets, the first sip of coffee in the morning, getting up to see the sunrise, the laughter of children, clean laundry, and traveling. On the flip side, people generally hate any or all of the following: smoking, chewing with your mouth open, not flossing, not being honest about your intentions, and pictures of you holding a dead fish or standing next to a dead animal. Between these extremes was a middle ground of museum visits, deep conversations, humor, and weirdly from my point of view, dancing in the kitchen together? 

When I was not a law student, I went with my other career: professor. The algorithm thought this was ok. Of course, there was a heavy emphasis upon teachers, k-12 educators, and other higher-ed professionals. But overall and generally, I was exposed to a diverse selection across a spectrum of careers, interests, and personalities. Most of them, as you might expect, tended toward the intellectual. The algorithm seemed to feel I wanted someone in a smarty-pants profession: other teachers, nurses, corporate professionals – things that might call for a graduate degree or at least a certificate. 

Then I added that I was a law student…that was when the real fun started. 

Suddenly, the professions changed. Now the algorithm positively drowned me in profiles of other attorneys, almost as though it thought we should all just stay amongst ourselves and not mingle with others. Oh, you’re a law student? Come along, here is where we put all the other lawyers, legal professionals, compliance officers, and of course, law students like me. Next, the algorithm defaulted to type. No more nurses, now it was physicians. I’d moved up in the world. Now I occupied the rarefied air of “What Mothers Want Their Children To Be When They Grow Up” and this was most assuredly not a Philosophy Professor (which is what I was). Teachers? Pfft. Too pedestrian, apparently. The algorithm thought I would find happiness instead with research scientists, STEM workers, and other rigorously rational and highly valued professions. None of that squishy humanities stuff. However, the wildest change in my view is that I felt the algorithm was no longer giving me potential partners. Instead, it was giving me clients: VPs, VCs, Finance professionals, Real Estate professionals, small-business owners, and other similar career professionals. If I wasn’t interested in other lawyers, doctors, or research scientists, it reasoned, then perhaps I might find love among those it assumed I would serve. It was as though the algorithm divided my world between lawyers and clients, with scant room for anything else. It was a revelation for me, but also a lesson. 

I’ve written at length about how I see myself as a lawyer. But under the hard, algorithmic gaze of dating apps, I’m beginning to understand how lawyers are seen by everyone else. It’s a revelation, but also a lesson. One I’m learning in a hundred other ways, both on and off the dating app, but valuable all the same. 

Stay safe out there…and stay tuned.

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Michael Deere is a third-year student at BC Law. Contact him at deerm@bc.edu.